Amber

Sometimes it’s difficult to identify action and reaction, how one thing that you do, decision you make or thing that happens to you returns and impacts on you and your life later. It’s not like those domino tricks you used to see on Roy Castle’s Record Breakers where you saw the chain reaction. My current theory is this; a few years ago I was attacked by a patient. He did his absolute best to crack my skull open like a hard boiled egg using the base of a mug and his fist. Forty Six months later I bought this house. There’s clear cause and effect there. I was brain damaged. We bought a house that’s in a semi-derelict state so that we can spend a fortune fixing it up into a lovely house. Why didn’t we just buy one of those lovely finished houses and cut out the stressful bit in the middle? Taking on a house like this is like starting smoking in school; it initially seems fun but is a lifelong committment and can have long lasting health implications.

Things seemed to grind to a halt very quickly after we got the planning permission granted. Just before we got the notification Michael sent us the price structure for the next phase. In his original quote from months ago Stage 3 had ‘price to be agreed’ next to it. That seemed fine at the time. However, two of the other applicants in our original Architect Idol had given an indication of their prices at this stage. They were twenty five and forty percent of the figure Michael was now quoting us. This was a shock. He’d come up with this figure based on an estimation of the cost of the project which was now fifty percent more than it was the last time he estimated the cost. This was a bigger shock. I’m already working more than a seventy hour week and don’t want to commit myself to doing so for evermore to fund an ever growing project and his retirement. So, we hoped he had miscalculated somewhere. We sent him an email that politely said ‘WTF?’. He wrote back explaining the calculations but, as a goodwill gesture, took nearly a thousand pounds from his fee. It worried me how quickly and easily he did this. His estimation of the cost of the final project didn’t change though. On Sunday we drafted another email that queried this increase in the price but are yet to send it. The problem is that I have no idea if his prices are reasonable or not. It’s not like standing in the supermarket where you can compare the price and quality of product A and B and ownbrand C. He also wants us to make decisions now about the positioning of lights, sockets, materials for doors and windows and probably the colour of bathroom towels. During the week while I travelled the country, wrote reports and wished it would all go away Marianna was typically proactive and contacted a new architect and two builders.

Yesterday, Malcolm the architect visited. He was recommended by Becky, next door, months ago, but we lost the paper she wrote his name on and so he wasn’t part of the original Architect Idol. He was very like Sir Ian McKellan in looks and mannerisms and was very down to earth. He didn’t tour the house at all but did a through inspection of the plans. He was impressed by Michael’s design and the realisation of Marianna’s ideas and surprised that planning permission had been granted. Perhaps, with Michael, as well as his big office in the town centre, we’re paying for his connections. Or the huge fee is turned into pound notes in a brown envelope to go into a planning officer’s back pocket. A new worry that occurred to me is that very little of what helped us get the planning permission has been submitted to paper but is in Michael’s head. Malcolm's estimate of the final cost was back to where Michael had put it originally. Today Malcolm sent us his quote which was 40% of Michael’s fee. We’re not sure now if we should sack him or ask him if he can drop to this.

Today, at 9.15, Paul, a builder, visited. The name of his company was impressively printed on his truck, t-shirt and jacket. He toured the house with us, made notes and took it all very seriously. He was amazed by the house though and how much work would be involved while I was ashamed of the state of the house. We've now been here six months and haven't unpacked. We haven't reeally unpacked since we left Hull in August 2008. “It's a huge project. What were you thinking?” he asked me at one point. That’s not too encouraging is it? He said it was the second worst / biggest project he'd seen because so little of the existing building will be kept. I felt a little sad about this. I feel quite protective about the house and expect gasps of wonder and compliments. Everyone thinks their child is the best looking or most intelligent even though that couldn't possibly be true. He made it very clear that it would be impossible for us to live here during the building work and described how one team of men would be working on preparing for the extension while another gutted the existing house. Then, at eleven, Steve, the builder, called. He appeared slightly less professional and formal. He had Reebok printed on his shoes and Animal printed on his shirt which was a bit less impressive. He made little comment about all of it and followed us around the house somewhat passively. They both left with copies of the plans and will come up with prices to give us an idea whether Malcolm or Michael have been most accurate at estimating the costy of the building.

Green Light

A very brief phone message from Michael this morning to say that full planning permission had been granted. Marianna was very pleased. I was very relieved. Next we give Michael thousands to prepare detailed plans, we contact builders to quote for the work and Brian decides if a brick through the window or a turd through the letterbox would be the appropriate response.

Taxi

I worked in Liverpool on the 16th. It’s quite a trek from Leamington Spa. I was willing the client to stop denying aspects of the offence so I could get back in the car and head south more quickly. I was booked to be in Doncaster the next day so it was tempting to stay in the north and not go to see Karine Polwart, as booked weeks previously, that night but I did. And I was so glad I did. The Sat Nav took me on a meander around Coventry and its inner ring road before I came upon the venue; Taylor John’s House. This was a ticketless venue and my internet booking had produced a reference number which I had to give on the door. There was obviously an announcement of some kind just as I did this since, as I entered the bar, the majority of the bar's occupants moved into the performance area. Like a sheep I followed them. Well, more like a sheep that didn’t want to risk not getting a seat and having to stand for two hours. The performance area was fairly small and tunnel-like and reminded of The Cavern. It seemed tragic that after treading the boards for so many years Karine Polwart is still playing in such small venues. The seating arrangements were curious. There were wooden school chairs set out in rows and benches along the walls and then stacks of chairs from which you could select one and place it where you saw fit. Clearly, for the majority of those attending, there was then the standing option. I then became a sheep that rather fancied a drink and a trip to the toilet but didn’t dare risk losing his seat. I noticed people leave to get a drink and find themselves chairless when they returned. I wasn’t risking that. Within minutes the support act squeezed themselves onto the stage. They were called Lewis Garland and The Kett Rebellion. The songs were okay, although the lyrics were rather adolescent, but the most interesting thing was the band and their arrangements for the songs. There was the upright bass player who thought he was playing funk, a mandolin player who was playing sea shanties and a guy (who I hope doesn’t refer to himself as a musician) playing bongos and making beatbox noises. Lewis himself had a singing style which occasionally made me think of Aran sweaters, sandals, beards and folk singers singing with their eyes closed and their head tilted upwards. He had a CD to sell but the SatNav hadn’t taken me past an ATM and my hopes that the price of his CD’s would be exactly the £4.86 I had in my pocket were dashed so I couldn’t buy one.
Then came Karine accompanied by her brother Steven on guitar and vocals and Inge Thomson on piano accordion and vocals. The harmonies, guitar playing and Karine’s singing were all perfection. In a world where Cheryl Cole, with all of the dancing and singing talent of Helen Keller, is classed as a star and some people perform as if they’re wearing a ‘How bloody brilliant am I?’ t-shirt some people just quietly get on with being completely brilliant. She likes to tell little stories about the songs but Steven also talked quite a bit, largely to tease Inge. Since she was standing in front of a large white square that probably had films projected onto it at other times this evening’s teasing largely involved encouraging her to make shadow puppets with her hands. Karine encouraged us to buy Inge’s CD which she thought was “lovely and quirky”. Just before their final song Karine mentioned that she had an EP for sale and this would be her last release for some time since she planned to take the next three or four years off from recording and touring to be a mum. I was saddened by this. What did she mean spend more time with her son? Why couldn’t she be like a proper celebrity and parade her children around like designer handbags until they’re adolescent and can be photographed falling out of clubs covered in tattoos and members of the opposite sex? The CD had to be mine so I needed to find an ATM.
I rushed out of the venue, returned to my car and drove until I found an ATM. I pocketed my cash, got back into the car and took the SatNav from the glove compartment to re-enter the postcode for Taylor John’s house. A man then landed on the bonnet of the car before crawling around to the driver’s side window. He knocked on the glass and I lowered the window a centimetre. He put his eyes to the gap and the wiggling tips of his finders through it. I could smell the alcohol through the gap. He'd clearly been trying to preserve his body in alcohol for some time.

Pisshead: “My friend, you don’t need that. I’ll give you directions if you give me a lift”

Me: “Mmm?“

Pisshead: “Are you from Coventry? Coventry people are good people. Give me a lift”

Me: “I’m not from Coventry”

Pisshead: “Go on, mate, give me a lift. Don't be a wanker about it. I'll give you money.
I’ve left my wife at home on her own”.

Me: “Well, you should have stayed home and stayed sober”.

He banged his hand against the window as i drove off. I thought about reversing over him but knew this could cost me precious seconds that i could spend with Karine so I headed back to the venue. I got there fifteen minutes after the end of the show and the CD buying frenzy was coming to an end. I bought her EP, got a signature, and we had a little chat about the film ‘Creation’ since she’d taken part in a songwriting workshop about Darwin during the summer. I also bought Inge’s CD, which has indeed turned out to be quirky. It’s like chill out music on the piano accordion. I love it. Of course I then bought Jess Gardland’s CD.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmxytyDWur0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wns8KD2_U40&feature=related

Objections

On the morning of the fourteenth I got a call from a woman from the planning department who wanted to come over take some photographs of the rear of the house. When she arrived, looking like a bag lady, an hour later she told me that our neighbours (Martin and Anne) had written a letter objecting to our plans. I was shocked. Not shocked that they’d made a complaint but shocked that they’d done it without telling us when we’d done our best to be open with them by showing them the plans and telling them what we hoped to do months ago. Marianna thought their failure to inform us but to write a letter to the council was “very English”. The woman from the council took photographs of our house from the left to the right and a couple over Martin’s fence. A week later the architects forwarded us a letter saying that the council had objected because “The quality of the design caused the building to appear overbearing and out of keeping with the surrounding properties”. I liked the way the architects responded with comments about how our house currently looks but also with photographs of the extensions that neighbouring houses have. I still think we’ll be granted permission. And so will have to press ahead knowing that we’re upsetting the neighbours. We don’t have any alternatives that might appease them since the current plan is plan C or F. It’s this or no first floor.

Canvas Bags

Over recent months, just before lights are turned out, Marianna forces me to look through Ideal Home type magazines. You’d be surprised how many different ones there are. Even though she assures me that we’re just doing this to get ideas and we won’t be buying any of these incredibly expensive kitchens or bathrooms my eyes glaze over and I just visualise the bank balance disappearing over the horizon. Despite this, as a little surprise for her on the 11th I took her to Grand Designs Live at the NEC. She was slightly unsure, as we approached the venue, if her surprise was to visit the Horse of the Year show or The Wedding Show since Grand Designs was more subtly signposted. As people wandered into the NEC it was fairly easy to spot who was going to which show. People holding hands were going to The Wedding Show, people in wellington boots and Barbour coats were going to see some horses and the stressed, prematurely aged people covered in brick dust were going to be joining us. So, over the next six hours we toured the huge venue and chatted to the stall holders about different types of windows and their benefits, different types of insulation, roof coverings and bathrooms and kitchens. I don’t know why you would need a television in your shower or one that rises out of your kitchen worktop. Does my life need a tap that produces filtered water or instant boiling water? Should our window frames be made from wood, aluminium, upvc or even bronze? Should we have solar panels? Windows that keep heat out in the Summer and keep it in in the Winter? It was all very interesting, although a little tiring on the legs, and not overly stressful. I’d been to the Motor Show at the NEC about twenty years earlier and my only memory of it was scantily clad women lying across cars and handing out brochures. Unfortunately, Grand Designs Live was completely sans bikini. A main activity was collecting free canvas bags from stalls to put all of the leaflets and brochures in. They’ll come in very handy at the checkout for the groceries. As well as wandering around and chatting to stallholders there were some talks given by big names in the world of interior design and building or, rather, big names with regard to doing these things on television. We missed Kevin McCloud’s talk but Marianna queued to get his signature on a copy of his book and I joined her just as she got to the front. He seemed to have left his personality on a building site somewhere. Later, we watched George Clarke’s talk in which he guided us through the transformation of his own house with many photographs. He was well over six feet tall when he looks to be far from that on tv. I've had to re-think my opinion of Danny DeVito. I was very impressed with George and his enthusiasm and how he’d used lots of interior windows and glass floors and ceilings to keep natural light flowing through the house. It made me wonder what use we could make with the dozens of mirrors we inherited from Basil. His next project is to dig out a basement beneath the house. I guess fame is still very new to George but I was impressed that 45 minutes after he’d finished his talk he was still signing autographs, shaking hands and kissing young women. It was a Grand day out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVh15aUt8-c

The red card

You wouldn’t think this sort of thing would happen in Leamington. I’ve continued attending Leamington FC home games since my first visit at the start of the season. The excitement of seeing fourteen goals in my first two games hasn’t been maintained and they’ve been looking quite poor lately. On the 10th the club sacked the manager, Jason Cadden. He’d held the job for nine years, had guided the team to promotion five times and they were promoted as league Champions last season. They were tenth in the league when he was sacked. This was done in a proper fashion though. In the car park at the ground where they’d just lost. The chairman asked him if he’d call in to his office on the following Monday but he said he wasn’t available. The chairman said in the local paper that he thought Cadden sensed something was up from his body language so when he asked why he wanted to see him he sacked him. It reminded me of “I thought he was reaching for a gun so I shot him”.

Cold

Something seemed to happen on the first of October when Autumn began. The temperature in the house dropped by about forty degrees. This shouldn't be surprising given how little double glazing there is and how the windows aren't even airtight but it's a bad sign given that it is only October and i wonder what it will be like in here come January. The central heating, such as it is, will warm the sitting room and kitchen but a chill hits you if you leave those rooms. I visualise heat coming from the radiators and flying straight through the windows onto the street. We'll stand out there if we want to warm up. At the moment we both have colds. Since we're living like squatters in a Tracey Emin exhibition we might as well break up the floorboards and make a fire.