Neighbours, should be there for one another - 3rd June 2009

I engaged in more lawn mowing on Friday, more jungle clearance on Saturday and so another trip to the council recycling centre was required. In accordance with Marianna’s ‘one in/one out’ policy we exchanged six sacks of green waste for four pieces of exercise equipment. The things people choose to throw away rather than donate to charity is insane. During the jungle clearance I discovered a ten metre length of hose attached to a tap. It’s disappointing but characteristic that the tap doesn’t actually produce water.


Then we went across the road to visit the neighbours. My opening line was something like “Hello, we’ve just moved in across the road to the ugliest house on the street and noticed that you’ve had a lovely extension built. Can we have a look around?”. Of course, being middle class he said yes and in we went. This is despite the fact that he was building a wall and on a very hot day the wet cement would be dry before his wife had said “Tea? Choccy bickie?”. His name was Eddie and hers Mary and they couldn’t have been nicer. Nor could their extension, although, bless them, their house is smaller than ours. Their extension is joined on, inside and out, very subtly and swung me back towards the full two floor extension I’d swung away from two days previously. It's a sort of house renovators bipolar disorder. They didn’t know Basil but felt that the house had a curious aura. Marianna told them about the carpets and mirrors and encouraged them to come over for a tour.


On Sunday night I pulled the blind in the bathroom to hide my modesty when bathing and it came away in my hand. Broken. We’re bathing in darkness from now on.


On Monday Eddie came over as we put our two green bins, three red sacks and three red boxes on the pavement for refuse collection the next morning. He gave us the name and number of the architect he used. Marianna encouraged him to look around our house. He declined, declined again and then I think we kidnapped him. He was stunned by the house, as most people are. He was also a pessimistic sod saying it would take us years to finish all of the building and decorating work. I was hoping to be finished by Christmas. He has a good sense of humour; ‘Pull up this carpet and you’ll find more mirrors’ was a favourite witticism. Although he knew little about Basil he told us he had his own steam engine and although he didn’t permanently park it here he would drive up and down the road on it. Jones the steam and Hugh Hefner combined.

Architecture and Morality

Roland the architect visited on Thursday. He arrived in a convertible BMW. I would guess that he expects us and our house to keep him in the manner to which he’s become accustomed. We walked him around the house and pointed out what we'd want changed. He nodded and smiled but gave very little away. He speaks when we've signed a contract perhaps. He did comment on the carpeted walls, that he had only previously seen similar things done for soundproofing. You do shudder to think what might have been happening in our house. We'll call a builder next.


Just before he arrived our neighbour Becky visited with a welcoming card and bottle of wine. I love it here. She thought Basil was a weird old man, rather than the sweet and lovely man described by Martin and Anne on the other side. The shared wall must give Becky a different level/type of knowledge.


I continued with the jungle/garden clearing today. Gardening can be relaxing and therapeutic but this isn't. Some innocent lives may have been lost in the 'Are you a flower or a weed?' decision making process. I love the garden though and could happily stare it rather than the tv. We have two squirrels that often appear in the garden and like to leap about the Wendy house roof and from it onto the trees and fences. If we spotted two rats I wouldn't be so charmed but there's probably little difference between them.

Cat Litter - 25th May 2009

I cut the grass four times over Saturday and Sunday each time with the blades a little lower and after the second time without the grass collecting box since that was only helping everything get clogged up and the mower need a regular few minutes rest. Looking at the photos taken in February it was evident that it's all gone a bit wild and needs more taming so i began defining the borders, trimming the bushes and weeding. This can be risky since what to the average human is an overgrown garden is a free toilet to the average cat. I also became aware that the roots of the climber i was tackling last week are actually about ten feet from the pergola. Like a boxer that's been counted out it drags itself along the soil until it finally has something to climb up.



I also finally cleared the blockage in the upstairs basin this morning. On Saturday i tried a Mr Muscle product which, contrary to advertising, had all the strength of an irate five year old girl. I returned from another visit to Homebase this morning armed with Caustic Soda. It has an ominous warning about wearing gloves and a face mask. I don't have these so i just wore a nervous expression. It also says it should be kept away from children and pets. It's a plague in a bottle. This cleared the blockage instantly, if not quicker. I thought the basin might dissolve as well.

Genes - 23rd May

Since, uniquely, I didn't have any work i began tackling the garden on Tuesday and Wednesday. My strategy was to start at the back door and work outwards. The climbing plant that is suppsed to be wrapped around a pergola is actually in the lean-to and damaging its already delicate construction. So, i removed that and then began to tackle the outdoors. The (unknown) climber is meant to climb but it just hangs and makes it difficult to walk around/under so it was severely cut back and will be trained to climb around the frame in the future. I also gathered the many plantless pots which were randomly scattered and found a roll of cine film in one. No porn. I don't have a projector but it appears to be a cartoon.

Today i prioritised the garden again rather than start proper work. I paid the second-hand lawnmower man, who is half a mile up the road, a visit. He flatteringly said i looked young and fit enough to have a mower that i just pushed. No electricity, no petrol, just raw muscle power. I told him he was deluded and i wanted something with an engine the size of my car at the very least. He had a Mountfield for £100 which seemed a good deal so i nipped home and checked the internet and that model was £329 brand new. Bargain. Only a fool would turn it down but instead this fool went and bought it. Had i bought a new one someone might have helped me put it into the car but instead they watched and commented on how surprisingly roomy the Peugeot 206 is. I clutched at my back and drove home. I lifted it out of the car, left it in the garage and satnav'd my way to Homebase. I use the Satnav constantly. Having only been here two weeks i'd never find anwhere and never find my way home again without it.

There didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to the organisation of the Homebase store. I wandered looking like a tool looking for a tool and then asked a little woman (employee) who, once she had found the first thing i wanted, i showed my list and she guided me around the store. Even there i need Satnav! So, i headed home with my trowel, loppers, rake etc and then set about mowing the lawn. The grass is long. It waves in the wind like a field of corn. Unsurprisingly, after only mowing three lengths (up, down, up again) the mower died. £100 for 15 minutes. Bargain!

I'm not a practical person. I try but the making, fixing, DIYing gene is not present in this body. So i rang my dad. He'd never encountered the problem i described but said i should try something which i did and it worked. I was Mowbile again. Now, that's a skill. My dad comes from a generation that makes things, fixes things, services his own car, that sort of thing. If he wanted a thingummajig he wouldn't go and buy one he'd buy some parts and make one. Life Coach Michael Neill tells a story about how, when he was a child, his father was able to fix all sorts of things and Michael felt inadequate and believed he'd never be so skilled. Now that he is the age his father was he has the skills dad had and his own son feels inadequate and lacking in skills. That hasn't happened to me. I have the same skill level i had when i was seven only now when DIY goes badly i can swear with a ferocity that is truly impressive.

I'm not truly without any skills though. I saw a client this week who told me he got someone to help him assemble an Ikea coffee table. How difficult could that be?? A top and four legs.

It must be seen to be believed - 19th May 2009

A visit from Marianna's colleagues, Hannah and Mel yesterday. They loved the house. People should visit regulalrly to stop me from just seeing it as a collection of light switches, wall sockets and toilets that don't work. It also clearly needs to be visited since Marianna had obviously described it but it clearly defies belief. Mel seemed to think we could ebay most of the fixtures and fittings.

Visits from architects have been arranged for next week.

Water Bed - 16th May 2009

I was very pleased with myself yesterday evening to have found the problem with the second floor toilet and returned it to working order. Well done me. Perhaps a new career in plumbing awaited me. Then we went to the theatre to see the rather disappointing ‘Dinner Ladies’. When we got home we discovered that the water from the cistern in the recently cured toilet had emptied itself through the floor onto the bed base in the room below. Another gift from Basil's daughters who must have been aware of the problems with it. The water was flowing down from the mirrored ceiling. Wouldn’t want that to be damaged. So, it’s like a hatrick with water flowing from the second floor into the first from the toilet and from the first to the ground floor from the shower. You have to laugh. Although I may not do so for several more years.

Today Marianna sorted out our clothes (in the dining room) and I destroyed the hundreds of shelves and worktops in the garage without unintentionally destroying the garage which I think is held up by the climbing plants that have gone a bit wild around it. We discovered the local council tip and made a couple of trips there with Marianna characteristically wanting to remove things from the skips. So, we have a new, slightly worn chair. This evening we are actually able to sit in the sitting room. And watch the tv. The aerial isn’t working but then neither are most of the lights or wall sockets so let’s not raise our hopes unrealistically.

Old Spice - 15th May 2009

Heavy rain in the night has revealed the religious significance of our garage roof. It’s very holy. We’ll need to change our plans about storing things in there.We’re sleeping in the loft conversion and are slightly disturbed by scratching noises above our heads. We’re hoping it’s birds in the chimney or guttering. Marianna describes the smell of the house as like an old people’s home; Bleach with an undercurrent of urine. Isn't that how they made 'Old Spice'?